Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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