It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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