Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.