it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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