everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!