Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
