he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
