I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
