Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
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Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
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Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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