I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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