i just sent this text using only my big toe
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize