i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
