never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
