he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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