i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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