Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
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Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
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Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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