dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
