I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
