Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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