His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
