I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
