So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
