what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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