im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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