And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
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There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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