I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
