She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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