I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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