saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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