So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
