and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
