Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
