You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
