I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
