remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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