If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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