i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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