I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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