I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
