3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
