I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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