Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
