She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
