Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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