My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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