So drunk its hurt
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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