I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
