I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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