For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My breasts were aching with rage.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
