i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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