Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
