If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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