her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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