It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
