she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I love having hate sex.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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