Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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