I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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