i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
